Testing, Please

Today I took the company-issued physical exams for its employees. I’ve always taken advantage of these company-subsidized events because, hey, it’s free! The tests include x-ray, blood test, blood pressure, pulse rate, vision tests; plus we’re required to submit urine and stool samples. In the announcement they said the stool sample is needed to check for “occult blood.” What in heaven’s name is an “occult blood”?

I found it easy to comply with all the tests except for one: giving a stool sample. How does one get a sample into this plastic cup they provided? Does one take a dump on the floor and scoop the poop into the cup? Does one hold the cup underneath one’s ass while taking a dump? Ewww!

Some things I found out: my blood pressure is normal, I have blood type A, I still have 20/20 vision but I’m definitely color-blind—not total, but just with particular colors. I’ll find out in a few days the results of the x-ray, the ECG test and the urinalysis.