Jim Strain-man

Driving home on a Sunday evening while flipping stations on the car radio, I stumbled upon a station whose DJ did a perversely brave thing: play three Jim Steinman songs one after the other, with no commercial interruptions.

Who is Jim Steinman? Simply the songwriting culprit behind such laryngitis-friendly screech-fests like Air Supply’s Making Love Out Of Nothing At All, Celine Dion’s It’s All Coming Back To Me Now, Meatloaf’s I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) (the title is 29 letters longer than the artist’s name) and arguably the most popular of them all, Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse Of The Heart. (Surprisingly, a Steinman song that Barry Manilow covered, Read ‘Em And Weep, only became a minor hit in the late 80s. Which is a shame because I think his songs are tailor-made for Barry Manilow’s trademark style: go one octave higher towards the end. That song was originally sung by Meatloaf.)

To be fair, Daniel/la had beaten the DJ several months earlier when he burned a CD of several Steinman songs for a mutual friend of ours. But his was just a CD; this DJ had the chutzpa to broadcast this audio assault. First he opened with Bonnie. Then he segued to Air Supply. I couldn’t believe it; did he know these were Steinman songs? When the opening piano of Celine’s started playing, I figured the DJ knew what he was doing. I was transfixed; I couldn’t change stations. At least I had the smarts NOT to sing along lest I strain my vocal chords.

Listening to the songs back-to-back-to-back, I realized that Jim had his formula down pat for making a hit record. Start slow and quiet, preferable with a piano solo. Then build up to a climax. Make it operatic, make it bombastic, make it BIG! Go one octave higher towards the end. And write lyrics in a repeating parallel structure so as to make the song easy to memorize and sing-along to:
[1] Turn around, every now and then...
Turn around, every now and then... (Total Eclipse Of The Heart)
[2] I know just how to...
and I know just how to... (Making Love Out Of Nothing At All)
[3] Some days it don’t come...
Some days it don’t come... (I Would Do Anything For Love)
[4] If I could only find...
If I could only find... (Read ‘Em And Weep)

No wonder Jim didn’t sing his own songs but had others perform them instead. If he mounted a solo concert, I’m sure he won’t make it past the third song. I can imagine the billboards: Presenting Jim Steinman in Concert, brought to you by Strepsils.

Now if only he can answer my burning musical question: how does one make love out of nothing at all? (Maybe he is talking about masturbation. What do you think?)