McVie Gives Head

“baka dapat hindi ka masyadong nag-iisip, mcvie. ang talino mo, eh!”
— comment by rjamesg from a previous episode

Ay naku my friend, if only it were that simple. :-)

Pero klaruhin ko lang muna: ayaw kong tawagin ang sarili ko na matalino. I just consider myself more exposed to a lot of stuff than most people.

But I will say this: I’m a thinking person more than a feeling person. Ayokong maging feeling, charing. Seriously, my mind runs on Energizer spiked with a mixture of Petron Blaze and rocket fuel. (Serious daw, o!) My mind is the first to kick in. I think I was built that way. I remember at a certain point in my life I made a conscious decision that I will use my head first. You should see me give head! Really, I prefer to attack things from a rational point of view. I keep a tight reign of my emotions. It doesn’t mean I’m detached from my emotions; I don’t let them control what I should think, decide, and do. I roll my eyes when I see people moan and groan about their emotional problems when, if they assess them dispassionately, the answer is staring at their faces. We are homo sapiens: the gay rational animal.

Still it came as a shock to me when an office acquaintance of mine described me as someone who doesn’t let anyone come close emotionally. It was shocking because that comment came out of the blue. Made me think: was I giving out that kind of vibe?

Yes, I’ve tried the “jump-without-thinking” before; it became more of a “jump-and-keep-assessing-every-step-of-the-way-down” kind of thing, you know? But yeah, I’ve done my fair share of falling mindlessly over certain guys before.

But it’s not really about emotions. I just don’t decide without thinking first, without assessing and weighing the pros and cons. I don’t “decide” to fall for someone, but I decide whether to go out with him or not. I don’t “decide” to have a crush on someone, but I decide whether to act on it or not.

There are those who are risk-takers, and then there are those who are deliberate. I don’t think I’m the type to dive headlong into something. I’m not the type who easily throws caution to the wind. It is a deliberate decision for me to act wild and carefree.

Having said that, I also noticed that I like to do particular spontaneous things: kaladkarin ako sa mga yayaan (“Dinner tayo sa Yellow Cab!” “Mag-Bed tayo!” “Let’s go to Antipolo!” “Road trip!”) at pag may pera, madaling mag-impulse buy especially if it’s a CD or DVD.

I guess what it all boils down to is this: I take responsibility for my actions—especially if they impact on others—very seriously.

And now, I must rest. All this thinking is giving me a headache.