Performance Level

Any experienced stage actor will tell you that what’s so gratifying with performing before a live audience is that you get immediate feedback. If the feedback is very positive, it energizes you and makes you perform even better. Some of the most electrifying performances happen when the audience and the performers feed on each another’s energies.

Last night at F, the bath house near my place of work, I hooked up with a kid. As in, he claims he’s just 18 years old. Hmm! To be fair, he looked the part: all lean and svelte, no more baby fat, but with muscles still developing. He looked like he was on the cusp of adulthood.

What’s more, he came in with four of his friends and all of them were English-speaking. And with a twang to boot: “Dude, we’re not required to strip in there, right?” “No way, man!” Very interesting! I wondered if they were balikbayan kids or a barkada in an exclusive school.

At the locker area while we were changing clothes, he glanced at me; I held my gaze. He smiled and approached me, introducing himself as Michael. Then he joined his friends as they explored the place.

About an hour later I saw him alone. We smiled at each other then I invited him to a cubicle. When I locked the door, he immediately lied down and placed his hands behind his head.

At that point several things went through my mind: [1] he’s most probably a newbie with limited experience with men; [2] he’s very straight-acting; [3] I have this golden opportunity in my hands. So with the tune of “Tonight, I gave the greatest performance of my life…!” as a soundtrack in my mind, I immediately introduced Michael to The McTongue. Yes, the tongue is one of the most overlooked yet very potent sexual organs.

He never knew what hit him. The McTongue was all over him. At first he was just gritting his teeth, sucking in air. Then he was moaning uncontrollably. Pretty soon he was going, “What are you dooooing, man?! Ooooh! Nooo, not there! OOOOOOHHH!” I had him pleading in a “Stop! Don’t stop!” desperate tone.

Okay, okay, at this point in the episode, let me just say something: I’m not saying I’m the greatest when it comes to sex. I’ve disappointed others, and I’ve certainly underperformed in bed. I’ve even experienced an inability to perform at all (ah, the ravages of age!) So I’m not Mr. Fantastic Lovah-Lovah, nooo siree. But with Michael I was fairly confident that I had a sexual newbie in my hands. Oh I’m sure he’ll meet someone in the future who’ll top what I did, but for several minutes last night, here was putty I can play with; what a challenge and a privilege to turn this dude into the joys of mano-a-mano sex! So pare, chong, hataw ang lolah n’yo, noh! The more he got turned on, the more he turned me on. The deeper his moans, the deeper I plunged in. We were feeding on each other’s energies. Performance level kung performance level! And tonight I gave the greatest performance of my life indeed.

(Well, to be really objective and fair to everyone I’ve had sex with, last night wasn’t the greatest performance of my life. It’s actually impossible to judge because it’s like comparing apples and oranges, you know?)

In the end he asked for my number. And when he met up with his friends, I overheard one of them ask him, “How was it? Me, I had a 9.5!” Michael didn’t even bother to whisper his answer, “Man, I had a 10!” Ay, grabeh na itoh!!! Ang haba ng buhok koh! (Actually ang kapal na ng buhok ko! Ipe, I need a haircut!)

Only when I got home that it occurred to me that maybe I should feel insulted. Shit, those kids were rating their partners that night! And how dare he judge me! He asked me for my number and then he reduced me to a number?!

But then I got a 10.

Suddenly I felt like Bo Derek.

Bo Derek Paulate, ngyek-ngyek-ngyek!